Sunday, 26 August 2018

Four years an Indge

Love you, Husband.

4 years of marriage has made me realise that love isn’t always a feeling, sometimes it’s a choice. It’s loyalty, sacrifice, being a unit and, sometimes, it’s hard work. Marriage is dedication, and not giving up. Marriage is sharing your life with your best friend. Love isn’t always liking, but it’s solidarity and choosing to reconnect when you’re drifting apart. Although sometimes in marriage we make that decision to choose love, ultimately, a HAPPY marriage is a relationship based on feeling that love and not just tolerating one another. A relationship won’t always compromise at 50/50, at times it can be 60/40, or 80/20. But who’s favour that’s in should always change. Advice I need to remember myself, I definitely expect more than I give sometimes, and often feel I make more effort than I get back. It’s never going to be perfect!

We married quickly. We married when a lot of people thought it wouldn’t work. We married with people judging our choice. I had my own doubts - of course I did, living the Military lifestyle wasn't something I had even considered before. We married because we wanted to give our little family the best shot. We wanted to live together, and being a Military family that meant marriage. Along the way we’ve loved hard, we’ve fought & argued, and we’ve chosen to make the happy memories out weigh any bad.

In the early days I did question my worth as a Wife and a Mother, but I have adjusted from my independence and that’s now passed. I don’t question my beauty, I don’t question our commitment to each other, and to our children. We never fight about money, or who’s turn it is for a lay in. We don’t resent the other person the odd night out. We support each others hobbies and passions. We enjoy eating good food together, and laughing about the most stupid things. We look after each other when we’re ill. We’re a good team. Marriage is the ultimate contract of care for another person. Much like toddlers, we never stop wanting or needing attention.

We have goals, and ambitions. We want to own a property together. We would love another child. We want more frequent date nights. We know that those things may take longer to get than we’d hoped, but our marriage has allowed us to become best friends, where we were once strangers. We have grown to love and respect each other, and to work around and live with any faults and flaws. We may have done the adult life things a bit backwards, but we’re happy, and I’m so glad we took a chance on love.

Four years married, Five years and 8 months together. We’re doing fabulous.


Thursday, 28 June 2018

Summer Solstice.

It's officially summer! Well, it was last week. I was tempted to go to Stonehenge for Summer Solstice as it's only a few minutes drive away but I didn't quite fancy the 5am start!

With it being the half way point of 2018, I got thinking about the goals I'd set myself earlier this year, and whether or not I'm on track. So I thought I'd sit and look back at what I'd written about here.

  • Go on our first family holiday.
  • Learn how to use my Olympus Pen E-pl8 properly.
  • Look after myself. (Hair, nails, skin...)
  • Read more books.
  • Spend less time scrolling through my phone.
  • Continue to upload to my YouTube channel regularly.
  • Save money for a new car/house.
  • Explore Wiltshire/ spend more weekends at home.
  • Drink more water

Okay, so I'm not doing too badly! I'm definitely looking after myself more, not just in appearance, but in heath too. I'm exercising, and trying to do more for myself in the evenings. I've read more this year than I did last, but I need to pick that up again too. I'm prioritising TV over reading for sure! I'm still uploading to my YouTube channel, but I have to admit I've not done so much recently. I've been feeling a bit down, and I can't force myself to be happy on camera, so I don't upload! I'd much rather type out my feelings than talk them out!

We've spend quite a lot of weekends at home, exploring Wiltshire and Hampshire this year, but we need to do more of it with the potential move early next year. Summer we're really busy travelling a fair bit to Hertfordshire and back, so maybe Wiltshire exploring will happen in the Autumn.

I'm on my phone too much. But I'm glad I've reminded myself that less time on my phone was a goal for this year. I'm going to try harder with that one.

I've not really set aside the time to learn how to use my camera either. Ideally I'd go on a course but that's money I don't really have. Which leads me on to the saving goal.... yeaaaaaah that's not happened either!!!

We've had an expensive start to the year with the car needed a lot of money spent on it - around £1.5k!!! And we did spend savings on out first ever family holiday. Which I'm THRILLED about!! I'm so so so happy we got to do it, and outside of term time too. I doubt we'll have another for a good few years and I wont forget the memories we made.

How are you doing with your 2018 goals/ resolutions?

Hello Husband.

Hello Husband, 

I’ve said in the past how I don’t like being referred to as a ‘Dependant’ just because I’m a RAF Wife. But I guess, as time has gone on, I’m finding myself more and more dependant on you, and it’s a fitting title. For this past year in Wiltshire especially.

I used to be happily independent, I used to enjoy time on my own, working to earn my keep, and enjoy finding my own happiness. When I gave up work it took me a long time to accept that I was financially dependant on you, but I got there.

This past year I’ve found myself feeling sad even though you’ve been home the whole time. There has been no deployment like we were expecting, no long courses, no overnight stays. The children are growing so fast and they're not needing me as much as they used to. They're finding their independence as I'm losing mine. It’s been amazing spending so much time with you, but I fear that it’s made me 100%, totally, completely dependant on you. I've had high expectations from you, and for that, I’m sorry.

I don’t mean to put pressure on you to be my EVERYTHING. Literally. My co-parent, my house mate, my Husband, my source of income, my therapist, my advisor, my friend. My ONLY friend. I’ve relied on you to be my happiness. But that’s not fair. You can’t be everything to me, as I can’t be for you. I need friends. I need a hobby. I need a job. I need to find my way again. I need to feel useful and rediscover my worth.

Sometimes I wonder if I’d be happier on my own. But that’s not a reflection on you, it’s on me, and how I’ve become way too dependent on having you around to pick up the pieces. When we were living in Lincolnshire and you were away a lot I was happy. I made friends, I had a routine at home because the kids needed me more, I did fun things with them. I felt like a good mother. I felt like I was holding the fort and being the best I could be to both you and the children. I was looking after myself with exercise, and eating well. You weren't around for me to reply on and so I was in charge of my own health and happiness. I looked forward to seeing you, and when you were home we enjoyed each others company.

I want to spend MORE time with you. Which sounds like I'm asking a lot considering you've been home with us for a whole year, but I need one on one time with you. We've not had any for a long, long time. I want us to date - we never got to do that. I want to have a conversation with you without a child interrupting, or without a mobile phone/iPad being used at the same time. I want to get out the house with you and be able to hold hands or walk around a shop without sternly telling a child to 'hurry up' or 'don't touch that!'. I want us to talk about our future without cutting it short by saying 'we don't know where we will be/what we'll be doing/where you'll be working'. I want to make plans, even if they change. I want us to talk about our family and if we're having another child. I want to talk about saving for a house and future holidays - how we'd save to get the things we hope for. I want to talk to you about what career I could have. I want to talk to you about what our future home might look like. The reality AND the dream. I want us to be friends instead of strangers just talking about our mundane days at home and work. I feel distant and disconnected from you. I want my Husband back. Out of everything you are to me, I just want you to be my Husband*. Which is a title I need to give back to you. I don't think you even realise how I'm feeling. It's easier to hide it sometimes Isn't it?     *(Until you're away for longer than two weeks at a time and I need you to come back to co-parenting with me!).

I wanted to say I’m sorry, and thank you. Thank you for trying your best to keep me happy, and sorry for making it so difficult. Next year maybe we’ll see less of each other with the move that’s on the cards, potential courses for you, maybe a job for me, and with the forever possibility of deployment. But I think we’ll be happier. I hope so anyway.

Love, Your Wife.

Thursday, 31 May 2018

May 2018

May 2018.

A post shared by Abby Indge (@scrapbookmum_) on

May 1st started off with an amazing day out at Dyrham Park but ended with Phoebe in hospital for a viral wheeze. That one day of drama aside, May has been a really, really good month! Lots of friends and laughter, lots of sunshine and pretty flowers blooming. Lots of family time and even a trip to the coast for fish and chips.

June 1st and we're off on our very first family holiday! SO EXCITED!!!!